Alcohol and Sleep

Alcohol and (the lack of) Sleep

Alcoholic beverages are well-known for their sleep-inducing properties - thanks to the anti-anxiety properties of alcohol which help suppress arousal and stimulation - and are commonly used as an over-the-counter somnogen (which is just a fancy word for sleep aid).

Indeed, low doses of alcohol at around 1 to 2 standard drinks (one standard drink equates to one can of beer, half a glass of wine, or one nip of hard liquor) may help us to fall asleep faster, reduce the incidents of awakening shortly after we fall asleep, and increase the amount of time we spend in rapid eye movement (REM) sleep – the stage of sleep when our eyes dart around under our eyelids in a rapid movement, as its name suggests; it is also the stage when our memory is consolidated, and which helps with concentration and learning.

However, there is more to the story.

At moderate doses (2 to 4 standard drinks), alcohol reduces the amount of brain-boosting REM sleep. Doesn’t sound like a good recipe for a good night’s sleep, does it?

At high doses (more than 4 standard drinks), it can have a rebound effect on the later stages of sleep, leading to longer periods of awakening while also decreasing the amount of REM sleep. Now that is really bad.

Furthermore, since alcohol is a diuretic, which means that it acts as a signal to your kidneys to expel more water from your body, the consumption of alcohol prior to sleep is usually associated with frequent late-night toilet trips and sleep disturbances. Losing the extra fluid would also leave you feeling dehydrated.

Consuming moderate to high amounts of alcohol before bed can also constrict the air passage, leading to episodes of apnea, whereby a person's breathing is interrupted during sleep. The risk is heightened in those who have a tendency to snore in their sleep.

So, while small volumes of alcohol can help you to wind down after a busy day, too much of it can equal a fitful night's sleep.

At the end of the day, folks, you don’t have to drink to have a beery (… ok sorry) good sleep.

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Coping with Sexual Assault

Credit: Millennials of Singapore

AWARE Sexual Assault Care Centre
6779 0282 (10AM to midnight, Mon-Fri)

KK Women's Hospital
6225 5554 (24 hours)

Singapore General Hospital
6222 3322

Tan Tock Seng Hospital
1800 7372 7500

Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual behaviour that makes a person feel uncomfortable, threatened or scared. Consent is key - if you did not consent to such behaviour, or withdrew your consent, and the other party continues to make unwelcome advances, that is sexual assault.

AWARE Singapore has also published a helpful resource on what sexual assault is.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, please don’t blame yourself for whatever that has happened to you.

No one has the right to violate you no matter how you dressed, or whether you are unconscious or not.

First Steps

Try and remember as much as you can about your surroundings when the assault occurred; the smallest details can make a huge difference. At the earliest opportunity, try and picture the offender’s face, features or clothing (distinct colours, features or brands for example).

If you were unconscious during the assault, try to remember what you can of what occurred before and after you became unconscious or assaulted, including your surroundings. Find out if there was anyone around whom you can ask for more information of what happened.

Lodge a police report and seek medical attention as soon as possible in case of STIs and pregnancy.

In order to gather and preserve evidence, a sexual assault forensic examination (commonly referred to as “rape kit exam”) can be done at either KK Women’s Hospital, Singapore General Hospital or Tan Tock Seng Hospital within 72 hours of the incident – these hospitals are best equipped to deal with sexual assault.

You are required to make a police report before doing the rape kit exam. If you are under the age of 21, your parent or legal guardian is required for the rape kit exam.

Although it is strongly advisable to make a police report and undergo the rape kit exam, do not feel that you must do so against your will (or at the insistence of your family or friends) if doing so causes you great distress. This may only end up worsening your mental health. Instead, persuade your loved ones to respect your decision.

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Management

It is normal to feel strong emotions such as disgust or shame. Don’t avoid experiencing them.

Accepting that these feelings are unavoidable is the first step to managing what you are going through. When you are ready, open up about what happened to people you trust. In fact, keeping the fact of the assault all to yourself can be extremely suffocating.

There are countless testimonies published online (#MeToo movement) and support groups where survivors share their experiences – AWARE has one for female survivors (16 years of age and above) of sexual assault. You could hear from others on how they coped with their experiences. If you’re not comfortable speaking to a group of people, you could share your story online anonymously with HearToChange or speak to a trusted friend. We all need an outlet somehow.

Sharing your experience and seeking comfort in the support of others can help you to cope with the debilitating incident. Here are some benefits of doing so:

Ψ Release pent up emotions
Ψ Receiving support from a support network (family, volunteers, welfare organisations)
Ψ Make sense of your thoughts and emotions
Ψ Greater clarity of what happened during the incident
Ψ One step closer to management
Ψ Spread awareness of this issue in society (without these small contributions, many others may continue to be oblivious)

Even if you really do not feel like confiding in someone, try and seek out at least one or two trusted confidants.

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Acceptance (Not Avoidance!)

While it may be painful, recalling and accepting the incident is important. Avoidance only makes whatever you were avoiding more salient.

The harder you try to avoid it, the more likely that you will be reminded of it, or make it more salient in your head. Acceptance is not the same as blaming yourself for what happened. Rather, it includes being able to accept that what happened was out of your control.

Coping with Flashbacks

It is common to experience traumatic flashbacks. Prepare yourself by developing some awareness of possible triggers (e.g. certain smells). Once you are more aware of your triggers, it will help you make sense of what is happening and why.

During flashbacks, pay attention to physical sensations and what emotions you are feeling during these episodes. After, take steps to calm down, such as breathing exercises. Ground yourself in the present (e.g. tapping your arms, naming the current day) as this will help you realise that it is a flashback and not reality.

Don’t Isolate Yourself!

Stay connected with loved ones and join social activities. You don’t have to constantly talk about sexual assault or things related to it. You can do things that have nothing to do with the trauma itself.

If these activities bring you joy, they can be equally helpful. Participating in joyful activities isn’t avoidance. You can choose to accept that you are feeling low or down, and yet try to do something to lift your spirits.

Seek Professional Help

Sexual assault and trauma is linked to a bunch of mental disorders, depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders etc… If you feel unable to carry on with your everyday life due to the repercussions of the incident, seek help from a mental health professional.

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For friends, family, loved ones of victims

Don’t blame them for whatever that has happened, pass judgments or express doubt on their story.

  1. Be a listening ear. Listen to their narration of events, bearing in mind that effect of trauma may have had an adverse impact on their ability to accurately remember the relevant sequence of events.

  2. Don’t downplay or trivialise the incident. This will (definitely) come across as doubting or invalidating their feelings. Let them feel whatever they must feel as part of their own process.

  3. At an appropriate time, encourage them to seek help whenever they can (e.g. psychologists, counsellors), but let them do so on their own terms. Do not insist for them to seek help. Only encourage them to do so if it seems as though their distress is causing them to be unable to function daily or normally.

  4. Provide emotional support whenever you can. A sexual assault experience can be extremely traumatic and effects can last for a long time. Think along the lines of “How can I be there for him/her?” rather than “What concrete steps do I need to take to help?”.

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For others

Tips/Precautions

  • Be mindful of your surroundings and the environment you are in. If necessary, take additional precautions if you have to walk in an unsafe area.

  • Do not assume that someone else will look out for your safety. In bars or at parties, keep your drink with you. Leaving your drink unattended makes it possible for someone to spike them with date rape drugs or intoxicating alcohol. Know your limits and keep within them, especially when it comes to drinking in unfamiliar places. Being surrounded by familiar people does not make a place “familiar”.

  • Sexual assault occurs even if you least expect it. Do not keep quiet if an assault is imminent. The shock may overwhelm and you may be too frightened, but always seek help immediately. Scream or shout for help if you have to.

How to contribute to the cause

  • Stay current on sexual assault laws. By educating ourselves on the many forms and types of sexual assault, when they can happen and what safety nets we have in place in society, we become more knowledgeable on the issue and can either help spread awareness, or strive for change in the community.

  • Become an advocate for sexual assault victims. You can start small – from sharing with your friends and family about your experiences (if any) and how you survived. You can volunteer for AWARE, join a movement or speak up about the issue whenever you can.

  • Know how to respond to sexual assault cases. For example, if a stranger approaches you for help or if you witness something happening, don’t be an apathetic bystander. Help the person. With people being more alert and informed, offenders will be more afraid to act out. Deterrence may not completely stop sexual assault, but it can at least reduce the number of cases and victims.

A Brief Note on Grief

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Grief is a natural response to loss

Grieving is a completely normal reaction to loss. The passing of a loved one, the loss of a treasured relationship, or loss of use of a physical ability, or perhaps something more intangible like an opportunity or aspiration.

Everyone’s processing of grief is different, and it takes time. Sometimes, lots of time. There are different theories on the various stages or trajectories of grief a person may go through. Regardless of which, some common emotions during grieving are:

Shock, numbness, disbelief. Guilt. Fear and anxiety. Or sadness; extreme sadness.

Questions such as “What could I have otherwise done?” or “What if this happens to someone else I love?” may fan the flames of the ever-present anxiety usually accompanying grief.

All these are intense emotions that are overwhelming. How to cope?:

Ψ Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions that awash you. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not okay to feel what you are feeling, be it sadness, fear, shock or any other emotion.
Ψ Take care of yourself – remember to eat well and exercise. If you have a routine, stick to it.
Ψ Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for things you may have said or done (or did not say or do). We are, after all, only human.
Ψ Talk to peers. Remember your Tribe, and that you are not alone in this world.

When should you seek professional help?

It may be a good idea to seek therapy from a mental health professional if you feel:

Ψ The intense emotions aren’t subsiding.
Ψ You don’t feel capable of coping with the overwhelming emotions on a day-to-day basis.
Ψ You have trouble sleeping.
Ψ Your relationships are affected by your grief.
Ψ You feel continually sad, depressed or anxious over a period of time.

Therapy centred around coping with grief involves helping you come to terms with what has happened; to process, accept and allow yourself to feel the emotions you are feeling. Your clinical psychologists may also work towards helping you forgive yourself if you are feel immense guilt. Stress management and relaxation techniques can help to cope with feelings of anxiety. You may be asked to think about how your basic emotional needs, such as love and belonging, were met before the loss, how your needs have been compromised by your loss, and how new steps can be taken to meet your needs.

There are, of course, differences in the way each human processes grief; the therapeutic techniques used will vary between persons. However, as with all psychotherapy, processing grief and loss is very much a collaborative effort between you and your psychologist.

After a (suicide) Attempt

After an Attempt

Surviving a Suicide Attempt

A suicide attempt is extremely traumatic.

Survivors feel disorientated, lost, not knowing where and how to go from here on. Others may feel intense waves of fear, sadness or anger. Some, after experiencing these waves, become seemingly emotionless. Numb. It is natural to have such feelings and thoughts.

Here is a list of steps to follow after a suicide attempt:

Inform

Call a loved one or trusted friend right away.

Our ability to actively care for ourselves are greatly affected by the circumstances that give rise to the attempt in the first place. Having survived the attempt, this ability is further compromised. Which means that you are going to need support. Reach out immediately.

After informing, go to the nearest hospital or medical clinic to seek medical attention. Even if the attempt does not result in you suffering from any physical injury however minor, you should still seek medical attention.

What to do at the Hospital or Clinic

Knowing what to expect greatly reduces the anxiety that comes with waiting in a busy medical facility.

Firstly, emergency staff are trained to assess and manage any injuries requiring immediate medical attention. This is known as triage. After treating these injuries, they will then arrange for a mental health professional to meet and have a chat with you about your mental health status. This may include questions on your mood, the presence of recent major stressors, and any concerns with your daily functioning. This is really just to assess your mental state and look for any further risks that you may be facing.

Occasionally, the hospital may require a detailed review by doctors with different specialisations. Depending whether such doctor(s) are on hand, you may be warded for further observation or admitted into a ward.

Reaching out to your Tribe (my what?)

We often do not realise how many members of our tribe (your family, friends, colleagues, peers - anyone who is a part of your larger network) actually do care about our safety and well-being. Even if you don’t ordinarily consider them to be part of your support network.

It’s common for people to worry over what to say to others after the attempt. You may want to start a conversation only after you feel comfortable enough to share about your experience, and even then, you can control how much you want to share. Confiding in a support group that you trust and feel connected to helps you process the experience and suicidal thoughts, or make these thoughts easier to manage if they return.

Going forward

You may find it helpful to write down thoughts and helpful tips to make your transition period easier (“journalling”, for example). These include things like knowing what you can do to make it easier to cope with things in the days following your discharge from the hospital, knowing who in your social support network you can reach out to, and most importantly, having a plan for dealing with suicidal thoughts should they come up again.

Things can change for the better if you allow it to.

Most importantly, seek support from a mental health or counselling professional if you feel suicidal. They will work together with you to create a safety plan or finding ways to cope. Things can change for the better if you allow it to.

Managing Anxiety, Stressors and Worries

中文版

Let’s cut right to it - we all experience anxiety, stressors and worries of one form or another. Here are some helpful psychological strategies that have been tested and found to be effective for many.

A. Mindfulness – Observing non-judgmentally

When confronted with environmental stressors, our emotional reactions arise naturally. And we usually occlude the facts as they are. But that is rarely helpful.  

First, observe nonjudgmentally and take stock of what is actually happening around you. 

What are you thinking about?
Is it about the future, past or present?
Do you think it is affecting how you are feeling? 
What is going through our minds when we feel anxious, low or stressed? 

When we start to notice and be aware of our thoughts, we’ll be able to start identifying what might be contributing to our distress.

Doing this non-judgmentally means not reacting to our observations or thoughts (and/or the emotions attached to it) but rather simply letting the observations and resulting thoughts and emotions arise and being aware of its presence in our mind.

B. Mindfulness – Mindful Breathing. 

While mindfulness is a practice that helps us to not get swept away on a wave of our unhelpful or negative thoughts, people may find it difficult to observe their thoughts and emotions without reacting to them. 

Let’s try this simple exercise:  

  1. Breathe in and out.

  2. Maintain your usual breathing rhythms without being overly conscious about the preciseness of each breath. 

  3. Let your lungs expand and fill as you inhale, and contract as you exhale. 

  4. Bring your attention to each inhalation and exhalation through your nose.

  5. As you continue to watch your breath, remind yourself that each breath grounds you in the present moment. 

You are fully present in this moment of being. 

Now ask yourself, what is happening, and how are you feeling or thinking about that situation. 

C. Schedule “Worry” Time

First, identify all the tasks or items that are within your “sphere of influence”; essentially, matters that you can do something about. You may not always be able to control or determine the outcome, but you can take steps to influence or alter the outcome. 

Identify what needs to be done and complete those tasks. You’ll start to feel a whole lot better once you make a checklist and tick them off. Then tell yourself this: “there are always going to be things that are not within my influence (your “sphere of concern”)”. 

Here is how both spheres look like:   

 
 

I am going to allow myself to worry about it, for no more than 10 minutes. But after these 10 minutes, I shall leave my worries for my tomorrow self to grapple with” (or similar words… but you get the idea).

This tool has been found to be clinically effective in managing worries by freeing up your “head space” for important, relaxing or fun activities.

D. Challenge unhelpful thoughts. 

If you still feel a lingering worry after your scheduled worry time, you may want to directly address or challenge these persistent thoughts. Persistent thoughts might include: 

Catastrophising: “The world is going to end”, “I’ll definitely get the virus if I go out”, “My boss hates my presentation and I am going to get sacked” 

Filtering: Only focusing on the negative parts of the situation but not the positive aspects. During a pandemic for example, “being at home is like prison”, rather than “being at home is keeping me and everyone else safe”. 

Some ways to challenge such thoughts are to ask yourself: is that the only, and the whole truth? Are there other perspectives that I should consider? Am I constantly making reference to a state of perfection that does not exist? Am I worrying too much about how things should be instead of embracing and dealing with things as they are? This leads us to our next tip… 

E. Acceptance

Remember your sphere of concern? 

There will be many concerns that we cannot change or challenge successfully. These thoughts will usually keep us in a bubble of constant worry and anxiety instead of helping us deal with the situation. Issues within our sphere of concern that we might not be able to successful challenge include the social distancing and circuit breaker measures that will be with us for a period of time to limit the spread of the virus. But fretting about this situation will only result in more distress, anxiety or stress. Acceptance does not mean that you approve of or like the situation you find yourself in. What it means is that you have decided to embrace and acknowledge what is happening.

You have come to terms with the situation being what it is – no more, and no less – and you are no longer actively struggling or resisting the fact of its occurrence. 

 

F. Look after your Body

Yes, this means regular exercise, eating balanced meals, avoiding alcohol and drugs, and sleeping well.

 
 

There is a ton of research about the mind-body connection, it is not a myth!

How you feel emotionally and mentally can affect your physical health, and vice versa. The best demonstration of how your mental health and physical health are closely related is seen with burnout. When you’re pushed beyond your limits and putting too much stress on yourself, you experience burnout in forms of headaches, migraines, bowel issues and so on. 

At the same time, this also has implications on your motivation levels, your cognitive functioning, and may even make you easily irritated or emotional.  

A Non-universal Mother’s Day

A Mother’s Day Ordeal: Not Every Child Celebrates Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a day of celebration and joy for families as we cherish the many gifts of mothers around the world.

Yet, that might not be the case for everyone. In a healthy mother and child relationship, the bond between mother and child is usually a close and endearing one. For others however, Mother’s Day might be a painful one. For children who might suffer from ongoing emotional, physical and psychological abuse due to the absence of or abuse from their mother, or adults who were abused as children, Mother’s Day might be a stark reminder of that toxic relationship and trigger traumtic memories.

The scars left behind in children who experienced trauma as a result of their mother make it difficult for them to celebrate Mother’s Day. Trauma is directly attributed to any type of abuse a mother subjected her child to. Abuse may take many forms (spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual), and can be ongoing throughout childhood and into adulthood. In many cases, the source of the abuse may be an unaddressed mental illness or a personality disorder. Ultimately, an abusive upbringing damages the relationship between the child and the parent. Moreover, all types of abuse are damaging to children and can cause long-term difficulties with their behaviour and mental health.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, let’s remember the children whose mothers do not fulfil the ideal role of motherhood. Let’s extend our love and respect to all those battling with such issues today.

For those struggling with Mother’s Day, here are some tips you can follow to make getting through Mother’s Day a bit easier.


Tips for navigating Mother’s Day


Be honest about how you feel  
Acknowledge how you actually feel about this day instead of what you think you should feel. It is easy to skip over your true feelings when confronted with idealistic Mother’s Day messages and people telling you how you should feel about your mom. Even though it’s hard, being honest with yourself about your feelings — without judgment — is an important step in navigating difficult emotions surrounding family-centric holidays.

Take a break from social media on Mother’s Day
Try and take a couple of days of social media to focus and take care of yourself. Being away from social media helps you take your mind off the bombardment of Mother’s Day messages.

Celebrate the positive female role models in your life
Pay tribute to another female in your life instead – a sister, grandmother, female friend, teacher, aunt. Take this opportunity to let this woman know how much her presence has meant to you. You could also turn Mother’s Day into your own personal celebration of strong and powerful women everywhere. Your self-defined version of Mother's Day is definitely worthy of celebration.

Create a plan to take care of yourself
Get out of the house and do something fun to take your mind off things – go for a run, buy yourself some ice cream. You may have a mother-sized hole in your heart, but you can take time today to think about how you can take better care of yourself. Make a commitment to treat yourself with respect, love, encouragement and gentleness.

Spend time with supportive friends on that day
Reach out to a friend who is always willing to lend a judgment-free ear whenever you need emotional support or some companionship.

Coping With Mother’s Day When Your Mother is Gone

On Mother’s Day, we often honour and celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us, nurtured us, and loved us. However, there is also a significant group of people who won’t get to hug, call, or celebrate this special day with their mother. These individuals often nurse fond memories of what their mother was like before she passed away or find themselves daydreaming about how things might be different if their mothers were still alive. This leads to the experience of a sense of bittersweetness whenever Mother’s Day rolls around.

Losing one’s mother is certainly a painful ordeal, regardless of factors such as how old you were when it happened and how much time has passed. Such feelings are often heightened around significant events such as birthdays, holidays, and Mother’s Day, especially when social media is flooded with photos of celebrations revolving around mothers.

We see you and we see what you may be going through as you navigate this difficult day. For those who are struggling, here are some (more) tips to make it through Mother’s Day.

(More) tips for navigating Mother’s Day

 

Acknowledge your feelings – they are normal
Especially on Mother’s Day, feelings of sadness, anger, or even envy can be very common. It can be tempting to simply label these feelings as “bad” and run away or push them aside. However, know that these feelings are normal, and attempting to suppress them will lead to them eventually bubbling over. Instead, allow yourself to feel and experience those unpleasant emotions. Let them come and go like waves without struggling with them or giving them too much attention and know that in time, the waves will eventually recede.

Practice self-compassion
Take some time to think about how you can better care of yourself, and commit to treating yourself with respect, gentleness, and love. Be kind, and don’t place yourself under an immense pressure to be OK all the time. You get to decide how you want to spend the day. Make a plan to engage in some activities that bring you joy – go for a walk in the park, cook your favourite dishes, buy some ice cream, or even watch your favourite comfort movies. As long as it brings you some comfort, that’s reason enough to do it.

Write it out
Journaling is a great way of working through and disentangling complicated thoughts and feelings by putting them into words. Alternatively, you could consider writing a letter to your mother and telling her about your thoughts and experiences. While this may feel strange, bereavement studies have found that this helps to validate your emotions and may help you feel closer to your mother. 

Share stories and memories about her
You may have some stories, memories, or old photos of your mother. If you are feeling up to it, you might find it cathartic to share these tidbits with a close friend or family member, especially those who knew her as well. Sometimes, grief can make us feel alone. As such, sharing your stories and talking to others can help to celebrate the memory of your mother and bring everyone closer.

Get support
Know that you are not alone and that it is perfectly fine to ask for help and support in whatever form you find most helpful. Consider reaching out to a support group with others who have gone through similar experiences or speak to trusted family members or friends who can provide you with comfort, support, and a non-judgmental listening ear.

Cutting Ties with Your Parents

Should I Divorce My Parents?

Toxic Parents and Abusive Relationships


The image of a happy and cohesive family is one concept that is often drilled into our heads. As is the idea of filial piety and respect for our elders. However, for some, it can be a bit more complicated. Things just don’t seem to work no matter how hard they try.

This is the reality for some families with toxic parents and abusive relationships, even if the child is generally decent. While such parents might do various things, they share one common theme—they do harmful things, or do things that they know will hurt their child(ren), all in the name of “love”. Such things may include gaslighting, enabling abuse in the family, or blaming the child(ren) for said abuse.

Being subject to toxic parenting is detrimental to children’s mental well-being with lasting profound effects. When they enter therapy as adults, these people tend to report issues with self-esteem, difficulties with interpersonal relationships and parenting.

Despite repeated attempts to “fix” the relationship, many adult children find that some things just don’t change. The decision to divorce their parents, or to sever ties, thus becomes very real.

If you’ve been harboring genuine thoughts about doing so, here are a few things to consider:

Exploring Options:

Helpful questions:
Ψ Can I maintain my relationship with my parents while improving my well-being/ mental health?
Ψ Do my parents show any sign of genuine remorse, or interest, in rebuilding our relationship?

This is an important decision that requires thought and reflection. Taking the time to thoroughly consider will help you feel more assured when you’ve made your decision. It can also help save you lots of possible future stress, guilt or regret. At the same time, don’t forget to consider the importance of your own mental health and well-being! 

Being Firm:

It is natural to experience unpleasant emotions, such as anger, sadness or guilt, during this process. At the same time, people around you may not understand your decision, which can add to the stress and difficulty. After all, this is something that goes against societal norms and is rarely discussed.

It’s important to remain objective and not let these emotions cloud your judgement. Find ways to process these emotions, such as journaling or talking to someone you trust. If you’re currently seeing a therapist, bring this up during sessions. The key is to ensure that your decision was a well-thought one and not simply created out of spite or malice. 

If you’re cutting your ties with your parents face to face, know that it’s okay if they don’t understand your decision. In fact, if they’re not remorseful, it is possible that they might attempt to thwart your plan. Don’t fall for it! Be clear with your intentions and actions and walk away if need be. At this point, it’s okay if they don’t understand. You are no longer obligated to make them do so. 

Letting Go of Guilt:

All of us want normal, healthy relationships. Remind yourself that you have the right to healthy relationships in your life. Understand that you’re not wrong to want this. If your parents remain abusive with little sign of changing, you have the right to walk away.

Nevertheless, it will be a challenge. After all, our parents are ones who raised and provided for us when we were growing up, at least to some extent. It is possible to be grateful for this, and also be cognizant of the abuse they were responsible for. Moreover, the fact that they have the responsibility to raise and provide for you healthily makes it difficult to excuse themselves of what they did. Know that you’re not in any way at fault for the abuse that occurred. 

Moving on

Cutting parents out of your life is a painful decision to make, no matter how awful they might have been. Here are some strategies to help you cope with the pain:

Ψ Make self-care a habit or maintain it. 

This will come in handy when you find yourself questioning your decision. It is normal to feel sad or guilty over your decision. In fact, it is expected. We are wired to form an attachment to our caregivers early in life, and the fact that this isn’t happening to us might make it difficult for us to accept.

Know that dealing with a toxic parent is an emotionally draining and taxing experience. Check in on yourself from time to time. You may consider doing so through journaling, mindfulness exercises or meditation. They serve as mental and emotional inventories and can be effective in tracking your progress on this matter.

Continue to engage in hobbies that you’ve always enjoyed. Therapy and counselling could also be viable options to help you process your emotions and move on from this. Ultimately, the goal is to reduce the effect their parenting has on our lives, be it emotionally or mentally. 

Ψ As long as you trust yourself and your decision, it’s good enough. 

People may be quick to judge you as ungrateful, narcissistic or selfish when they hear about this. More often than not, they do this out of ignorance—they do not fully understand what you’ve been through, your family dynamics and how difficult it was for you to make this decision.

Regardless, tell yourself that it’s good enough if you experience the benefits. We have the right to set boundaries we deem fit. You don’t deserve the abuse or maltreatment from your parents and you’re not at fault. As long as you feel your mental well-being has benefitted from cutting them out, who cares about what others say about it? 

Ψ Find emotional support, be it face-to-face, online or in the form of books. 

Trusting our decisions is easy advice to give, but the process of reaching there is not as simple as it sounds. However, it can be made easier with the right support—the key is to realize that you’re not alone in this. Many others have been through similar processes before.

Attend group therapy sessions, join a support group, or read books about others with similar experiences as you did. Such activities can be rather validating and cathartic. They can also help you learn about the common behaviors from toxic parents. 

There are many things that come into consideration when it comes to severing ties with parents. It is a serious decision to make and can be emotionally draining at times. However, remember to put your mental health and well-being as priority and know that you’re not at fault for whatever that happened to you! It takes courage to make this decision.

If you know of someone who is struggling to make this decision, offer them a listening ear. Understand that it is not an easy one to make. Respect their decision even if you may not completely agree with it. It could very well be a last resort to them. 

Women and Mental Health

Among the UN nations, only 11 nations had a female head of state while 12 nations had a female head of government (we suspect most of these nations are headed by - deep breath - Her Majesty The Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith; by contrast, the head of government in a commonwealth country will usually be the Prime Minister - to continue the analogy, this would be The Right Honourable Boris Johnson MP, Prime Minister).

In Parliament (including the Singapore Parliament), women parliamentarians constitute approximately 20% of the parliament. Within the workforce, women account for less than a quarter of senior roles globally and the gender pay gap persists around the world.

There’s no denying it. Gender bias permeates through every aspect of our lives: at home and at the work place. Even in medical settings, especially when clinical judgment is involved.

For example, depression is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world, but it is almost twice as common in women than men. Women are also the single largest group of people affected by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Reasons for this gender disparity may include gender-based risk factors, such as domestic violence, socio-economic disadvantages, income disparities or inequalities, differences in social standing or empathy for others, all disproportionately affect women. Of course, other factors such as how symptoms are differently perceived and diagnosed in women and men also come into play.

Can we reduce the risk of developing mental illness in women?

Yes! Research shows that there are 3 main factors that are highly protective against the development of mental disorders (in men or women) arising from severe or traumatic events:

Ψ Having sufficient autonomy to exercise control over your actions after the event
Ψ Resources to allow the making of informed choices
Ψ Support from family, friends, and psychological support from mental health professionals

More is needed to reduce the risk of women developing mental illnesses such as depression. Changes are needed as a society to ensure that women have autonomy and equal access to resources and essential services; basically, we must improve the protective factors against the development of mental illnesses in women.

As persons – employers, co-workers, friends, or family members – we must all do our part to address personal biases, acknowledge and respect “the other half” of humanity.

The Authentic Self

You've seen glamorous pictures of their cars, watches, and handbags (and other things from www.uncrate.com - which by the way is an excellent site to while away the time).

Or perhaps watched the latest 'stories' of linen-clad ‘frienemies’ traversing the Moroccan plains atop a camel. Maybe nothing too rich, just a good-looking former colleague armed with her silky-haired squad hitting the clubs every weekend, and you look at yourself, slumped on the couch with a bag of potato chips watching Netflix (or worse, endlessly scrolling through for something to watch).

Yep. We've all seen these pictures and most of us are guilty of it.

Social media platforms such as Facebook and Instagram inadvertently foster comparisons with your peers. You think, “Why can’t my life be as fun and exciting?” And you start to make plans to skip lunches to save up for a holiday to take twice as many photos, with your new skinny body of course. Or you blow your bonus on that much-vaunted 2.55 alligator bag in gold.

But still we constantly scroll through our feeds looking at the polished pictures of our peers. The cycle (and the feed) is endless.

Why?

Like Thanos, we want to reshape reality. We want to convince our friends and family that we are a certain person whether or not that might be true. We might even believe that we are the image that we create for ourselves. In a world of smartphones and selfies, where our identities are equated with our social media profiles, who’s to know what we are or aren’t?

But are we truly living happy lives?

A study conducted in 2015 found a strong correlation between authenticity and self-esteem. People felt better about themselves if they believed they were living authentic lives; if they thought they were true about themselves.

What is an authentic life? One philosopher thought an authentic life involved making choices based on your own values, rather than in accordance with the values of anyone else.

But almost every photograph on Facebook or Instagram is a filtered version of reality – there literally are dozens of filters to choose from to edit a photograph. They are also filtered because people only want the positive on display. Perhaps what wasn’t shown to you was how disastrously smelly that Moroccan camel was, how many times she puked along Jiak Kim Street after Mambo Night, or how many installments are left on that BMW. Our quest to emulate the lives of these people becomes meaningless because the very thing we seek to recreate is not real.

We would all be a lot happier (and richer) if we stopped trying to live like the people we follow on social media. Live life on our own terms, simply and without reference to others (said no professor ever).

In the wise words of Heidegger the philosopher, “The path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny.”

Dealing with Shame

On a scale of 1-10, how true do the following 3 statements feel?

  1. ‘I am a mistake’

  2. ‘I am defective’

  3. ‘I am unworthy of being loved’

Any score above 8 starts to indicate the problem of shame. Though to be fair, people who are disproportionately ashamed of who they are would have probably wanted to award themselves a thousand more.

 

“Shame is a way of life here. It’s stocked in the vending machines, stuck like gum under the desks, spoken in the morning devotionals. She knows now that there’s a bit of it in her.”

- Casey McQuiston

 

What is Shame?

In shame, the focus of attention is on the “bad” self. Shame is a family of unpleasant self-conscious emotions that include embarrassment, guilt and humiliation, which makes us feel awful about ourselves.

Imagine tripping down the stairs and falling face-first onto the ground in a shopping center. Why was your initial thought ‘Did anyone see that?’ instead of tending to your agonizing physical pain first?

Shame is always present in our lives. We are motivated to maintain and achieve a positive sense of ourselves.

The issue with shame comes with a tendency to hide these negative emotions. Who likes to openly humiliate themselves? This makes it hard to recognize shame when it happens. For example, adolescents may superficially laugh off a poor exam result together while privately experiencing tremendous feelings of anxiety about failure.

As we avoid talking about our feelings of shame, we continue to have a lack of understanding about it.

Comparing the Cycles of Shame: Healthy vs Unhealthy

 
 

Let us work together to understand the diagram of a typical circumstance for a healthy shame cycle (see diagram on the left). Imagine being called out or reprimanded in a group chat by your manager for a serious error you made at work. You start to feel psychologically stressed as your heart begins to beat faster, your palms sweat, and your cheeks flush with embarrassment. You feel ashamed of your mistakes as you worry about being judged poorly by your coworkers. To alleviate these unpleasant emotions of shame, you are driven to strive more in the future to avoid repeating the same mistake.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for those who struggle with shame (see diagram on the right). Replaying the same event above, instead of trying harder to lessen the feelings of shame, you find yourself in an unhealthy spiral. By having excessive self-critical thoughts, or even indulging in self-destructive behaviours, you inadvertently feed these shameful emotions. You begin to mistakenly ascribe your mistake to a dispositional problem that only arises due to your lack of skill, causing you to get stressed once again.

It is essential to deal with the unhealthy shame cycle as excessive feelings of shame can lead to serious mental health problems. Some of the negative consequences of toxic shame include:

  • Fear of letting people in

  • Excessively pushing people away

  • Feelings of embarrassment and/or humiliation

  • Low self-esteem

  • Lack of empathy for others

  • Cynical thoughts about the future (e.g., believing that bad things happen to bad people)

  • Obsessive rumination on self-critical thoughts (e.g., ‘I am unworthy of being loved’)

  • Self-destructive/Addictive behaviours (e.g., substance use, self-harm and suicide)

Overcoming Shame

One way to overcome the problem of shame is from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach. ACT is a psychological intervention that involves accepting and embracing life events as they are without seeking to change them. It also involves committing to making meaningful steps to improve and enhance your life.

Before we dive deeper into ACT, we need to first understand how an unhealthy shame cycle forms and takes root.

As you get older, you start to develop a better understanding of how your actions affect others through learning from your mistakes. Parents hold an important responsibility to remind you that mistakes are normal. We can use the lessons we have learned from our failures to make better decisions in the future.

However, instead of guiding children through their mistakes, parents may unintentionally send unhelpful messages to the child. They may do so by expressing criticism and/or disappointment directed at the child rather than their conduct:

“Can you stop being the laziest child in the house and do some chores?”
“You just had to be the only student in class to fail that test.”
“Stop embarrassing me and behave yourself.”

This may give the child the false idea that he or she is undeserving of affection, which can lead to shame. Unhealthy shame thus prevents a more positive perspective of oneself, making it difficult for the child to develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

Let’s now look at how the ACT’s 6 key processes can help you overcome shame:

 

(1)  Acceptance

When we are overwhelmed with unwanted feelings of shame, it is instinctive for us to try to avoid and suppress them. Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging and embracing the portion of yourself that feels “not good enough”, “unlovable” and/or “rejected”. 

Do not get us wrong, acceptance does not mean that you are inviting or seeking feelings of shame. After all, who likes to dwell in their misery? Acceptance simply makes room to experience the agony of shameful emotions.

Soon, you will quickly notice that you are less disturbed by these feelings of shame if you do not attempt to escape from them. Isn’t it funny? The more you want to embrace and accept your shame, the less salient they become.

 

(2)  Cognitive Defusion

“I am unlovable at home.” “I am not good enough at my workplace.”

These are some common self-criticizing thoughts from someone struggling with shame. Cognitive defusion involves establishing a psychological distance from these self-defeating beliefs, understanding that they are just one of many non-threatening perspectives.

To do so, start by asking yourself this question: Who will have control over your life – you or your mind? Choosing a different relationship with your problematic thoughts allows you to take a step back and not be consumed by them.

For instance, you can recognize a mistake you made at work as it is without attributing them as part of your personality.

 

(3)  Being Present

Take a trip back home from work or school with me. What do you usually do on the train/bus/walk back home? Are you consumed by social media on your phone? Or maybe you are planning ahead of time on how you are going to rest at home? Notice how none of these options include spending intentional time in the present.

Being in contact with the present moment is also known as “being in the now”. It involves focusing on what is happening to you, and/or in your environment at the present moment rather than on what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future.

When you are faced with feelings of shame, fully embrace them first! Then, acknowledge that past events are irreversible. Although you could have responded better, understand that you cannot change the past. Making mistakes is what makes us human!

When you start to focus more on the present, you spend less time evaluating and criticizing yourself and others.

 

(4)  The Observing Self

If we are being honest, we sometimes feel ashamed of ourselves in certain situations because we project our worries or past experiences onto the current situation. However, we fail to see that most of these assumptions are irrational and therefore our interpretation of such occurrences is often incorrect.

Hence, the next phase is observing and knowing yourself as part of a context. Think of this phase as objectively looking at your situation from an observer’s point of view. Refrain from allowing your thoughts and feelings to cloud your judgment on the situation.

This is realizing that your thoughts and feelings are a result of the situation, not of your personality. You can experience feelings of shame but you are NOT defined by them!

 

(5)  Values – What matters to you? 

Whether you recognize them or not, everyone has values. Values are qualities that you believe are the most important. They determine your priorities, guide your personal growth and help you make decisions about how you want to live your life.

The issue with our values is that we are not constantly in touch with them. When life gets in the way, we might lose track of them and become unsure of what they are. This causes our values to become more vulnerable and susceptible to change.

What used to be unimportant to you such as fear of judgment or embarrassment could have unconsciously become your most important value over time.

Hence, we encourage you to take some time to consider:

1)    What are the things that are most important to you?

2)    How would you like to be remembered?

3)    What are the things you strongly object to?

Our values need to be sorted out first before we can come up with a plan to challenge your feelings of shame.

 

(6)  Taking Committed Actions

Now that you have learned to embrace the unwanted feelings of shame and developed a clearer sense of values you wish to live by, we have now come to the final step of overcoming shame – taking committed actions. This is where you take concrete actions and behave in ways that lead to positive changes in your life.

There are many ways you can do this depending on what you are struggling with. For instance, you can set goals that are in line with your values and beliefs. You could even intentionally expose yourself to difficult thoughts or experiences.

Consistently practice and commit to those behaviours to achieve the goals that you have set out. The key to taking committed actions is to incorporate changes in your life that will align with your established values.

A Final Piece of Advice

We should stress that every human being is radically imperfect and broken in their own way. It’s okay to accept your flaws as everyone has them. Remind yourself that no one is perfect! If you feel comfortable enough, find a friend whom you trust and share your feelings of shame with them. We are positive that they will be more than happy to listen to your struggles!