What are Needs?

As the word suggests, Needs are not merely desirable to have, but are absolutely necessary for our well-being and growth. Despite their importance, they remain an elusive concept that is difficult to define.

When is a need a Need, or merely a Want?

Though much ink has been spilt over its definition and which model of needs truly describe the human condition, no explanation is perhaps more ubiquitous than Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow’s model describes the five fundamental of needs arranged in a hierarchy. The hierarchy ranks the needs in levels of priority in the following order of importance: Physiological, Safety, Love and Belonging, Esteem, and Self-actualisation. Each level is predicated upon the previous level (i.e. each level is built upon the previous one). You can read more about what each level means here. (If you want to explore an alternative model, see the McClelland’s Three Needs Theory)

No matter which model or theory you prefer, Needs play a central role in our daily lives by giving us purpose and directing our behaviours towards a goal.

For example, at Annabelle Psychology (and we suspect many of you as well), food remains an imperative need. Food literally drives our daily behaviour.

But of course, beyond physiological needs, we also have other needs. Psychological needs such as the desire to form good interpersonal relationships, or to achieve a certain standing or status in society, also influence our behaviour. Together, our collection of needs reflects our basic physical needs (e.g., sustenance and shelter) and the higher values that speak to our very being, such as self-actualisation—the realisation of one’s full potential.

The effects of an unmet need can range from the debilitating to the downright devastating. For example, something seemingly trivial such as social rejection has the potential to impair intellectual performance or even lead to poor impulse control.

Great Expectations (also known as Wants)

“Human wants are unlimited”

— Alfred Marshall

Expectations are standards we uphold for ourselves or others, or other aspects of life like work, or of the future. These may or may not be realistic.

It is often our wants or expectations, especially the unrealistic or uncommunicated ones, that leave us feeling unfulfilled or dissatisfied with life.

Our expectations, and the effect that these will have on others, affect how we interact with others, and how others react to us.

“How?”, you may ask?

For starters, it is possible that we do not even realise that we have these expectations or wants to begin with, or how strongly we actually feel about a particular want. That is, of course, until we eventually find ourselves feeling frustrated and upset over an unmet want.

Even when we are aware of our expectations, we may choose to conceal them out of fear that we will be rejected or let down by others. However, those around you may eventually come to know of your expectations - whether through purposeful or inadvertent verbal or non-verbal cues, and respond accordingly. Depending on the response, we may find ourselves steeped in sadness or disappointment.

Furthermore, we may become overly attached to desired outcomes, even if they are unrealistic. In such cases, our expectations, or standards, that we impose on others to achieve those outcomes may launch us into a vicious (and difficult to break out of) cycle of disappointment and resentment that sours relationships.

If we can calibrate our expectations and wants to only realistic and unhelpful ones, and communicate these in an effective but honest manner, we can save ourselves a lot of stress and eliminate a major obstacle in the way of prioritising our fundamental needs.

At the end of the day, we must strive to be completely honest with ourselves in distinguishing between our wants and needs.

Three Golden Rules that may be helpful when attempting to distinguish between Needs and Wants:

Why do I “need” this?
Can I afford it? (whether in terms of money, commitment, or energy)
If I did not see this, would I still “want” it? (will I be okay without it)

Client-Therapist Relationship

The client-therapist relationship is a special one.

For the therapist, the nature of each relationship is professional but for each individual client, highly personal and vulnerable.

Guided by the therapist, each client places him or herself into a vulnerable position where they truthfully bare their thoughts, feelings and emotions. The therapist must carve out an empathetic and nurturing space for each client to be frank yet safe. This process is part of what we call a therapeutic alliance – that special relationship between client and therapist where both parties work towards a common goal in therapy. For therapy to be effective, this therapeutic alliance must be empathetic, genuine, insightful, and judgment-free.

Unlike other personal relationships, the one we form with our psychologist is incredibly unique as it is a one-sided, time-sensitive relationship. The client shares deeply personal information, while the psychologist does not. A therapist might, under rare circumstances, engage in limited self-disclosure as deemed necessary or appropriate and only as part of a therapeutic purpose.

Professional Ethics in Psychology

Due to the professional nature of the relationship, there exists a power imbalance between a psychologist and client.

Unethical therapists might take advantage of the relationship dynamics and unduly influence their clients in impermissible ways. Such impermissible conduct include forming dual relationships, engaging in romantic or sexual intimacy with the client or their close relatives or significant others.

Psychologists are expected to adhere to a strict code of ethics set out by their professional organisations to ensure that these boundaries are respected.

If you feel like your psychologist is crossing any of these boundaries, it is important that you speak up.

Why do we fall in love with our therapist?

Often times, a client subconsciously projects their feelings and emotions onto their psychologist.

This is also known as transference, a phenomenon where the client experiences emotions, be it negative or positive, romantic or sexual, directed towards their psychologist. Transference is neither shameful nor uncommon, and actually occurs rather often in therapy!

Transference occurs when feelings towards another individual in the client’s life is misdirected towards the psychologist. In therapy, the psychologist processes transference with the client to allow the client to better understand the underlying causes for these emotions.

Countertransference may also be experienced in the other direction, which occurs when a psychologist becomes emotionally involved with their clients. Psychologists are trained to detect and manage countertransference, including referring clients to other psychologists if necessary.

Another reason why we might fall in love with our psychologist is the amount of time spent together in what might be described as an emotionally intimate setting. Therapy often occurs across several sessions regularly and frequently. Clients can often spend a large amount of time with their psychologist and have associated the time spent together as a safe space. The psychologist creates a welcoming and non-judgmental space for clients to freely share their thoughts and feelings in a warm and validating environment. This is to encourage the client to be open in sharing about the struggles they are having, which enhances the effectiveness of therapy. During therapy, the client talks about topics intimate to them, and while not necessarily romantic in nature, but deeply personal conversations that they might not disclose to others. This creates a bond with the psychologist that is intimate and can might be sometimes mistaken for a romantic connection.

What happens if I fall in love with my therapist?

Fret not, as mentioned earlier, this occurs far more often we think!

Firstly, if you suspect that you are having feelings towards your psychologist, it is important to examine those feelings and acknowledge them. Whenever you feel ready and comfortable, share your feelings with your psychologist. Acknowledging and sharing your feelings is part of and beneficial to the therapeutic process. As these feelings might be a product of transference, unpacking them with your psychologist might allow you to progress in therapy by discovering patterns about yourself, allowing you to progress further on your journey!

Your psychologist will set clear boundaries with you as guided by their code of ethics. Your psychologist is not permitted to reciprocate your feelings as they are not ethically appropriate within the boundaries of a healthy therapeutic relationship. They will also make a professional judgment if your feelings are affecting therapeutic progress and if a transfer to another psychologist is necessary. This is done in your best interest as your feelings might lead to subconscious biases or countertransference.

Ultimately, having feelings towards your psychologist is not necessarily a negative thing. It certainly is understandable if it occurs, and can even be beneficial to the client as well! After all, love is confusing but has the potential to make us better.