10 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone who is in Grief

“Grief and love are forever intertwined.

Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable.”

- Nick Cave

No one’s journey in grief and loss is exactly the same. Everyone’s experience is unique, regardless of how similar circumstances may be.

Prescribing a timeline, or “way forward”, for someone else’s grief isn’t right, no matter how well-intentioned. It’s like asking someone to solve a jigsaw puzzle with a piece from your puzzle, when they’re two completely different puzzles. 

1. Say, “Take the time that you need. There’s no timeline to grief.”

Instead of: “How can you still be grieving? It’s about time you’ve moved on.”

2. Say, “Whatever you’re feeling (or not), it’s okay. We all have different emotional experiences.”

Instead of: “Why are you feeling guilty? There’s nothing to be guilty about.” Or “How can you not feel anything? Do you not care?”

3. Say, “I’m sorry that things are difficult now, and there’s no way I can take away your pain.”

Instead of: “You know, I’ve been in your shoes. Like, this happened to me before. Let me tell how you I got through it.”  

4. Say, “You don’t have to talk to me, or even say anything right now. Whenever you’re ready, or even if you’re never ready, that’s fine.”

Instead of: “Aren’t we friends? Why won’t you tell me about it? Did you do something wrong?”

5. Say, “It’s okay not to be okay.”

Instead of: “It’s fine. You’ll get over it.”

6. Say, “How are you feeling?”

Instead of: “Oh, you don’t have to tell me. You must be so distraught now, I mean, I would be.”

7. Say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

Instead of: “I know exactly what it feels like. I understand.” 

8. Say, “Please know that whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. I really wish I could be there for you, but I really can’t drop what I’m occupied with now and be there for you immediately. I really want to, and I’ll check in on you later at (specific time). However, right now, please reach out to (loved one, family, crisis hotline), would that be okay?”

Instead of: “Look, I don’t have time for this, and frankly, I’m uncomfortable. Find someone else.”

9. Say, “If there’s anything you need or want, or need help with, please don’t be afraid to let me know.”

Instead of: “You’ve got this. I know you’re strong and don’t need any help. Plus, you’ve always managed just fine on your own.”

10. Say, Nothing at all.

Use physical gestures or acts to show you care. Instead of: repeating endlessly, filling silences with inappropriate phrases.

Sometimes, no amount of words can comfort someone, but presence and companionship can make a world of a difference to someone feeling alone and in pain.