The Depths of Codependency

Codependency is like when someone tells you they need a hand, and you don’t know which hand to give so you give both. And then you’re worried maybe they need more, and decide, “How about my feet too?”. But then what if they don’t know how to use them? Maybe I should add a manual.

While that seems like an over-exaggeration to some, the feelings and behaviours exhibited by someone who is codependent are very real. There’s some pervasive sense of responsibility, especially if someone is going through hardship, to the point where personal needs or self-identity just doesn’t matter.

Its Twisted Roots

The strongest root lies in our childhood familial environment. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, are more likely to develop codependency.

Some examples:

Ψ      A family member with chronic addiction or illness. A child is parentified, and grew accustomed to constantly sacrificing freedom, or interests, to care for their family member. “They won’t suffer if I give them my allowance. I’ll be fine.”

Ψ      Abuse. A child believes they are unworthy of love or deserve the punishment. “I need to do more, to get the love or care I wish for.”

Ψ      Domineering or controlling parents. High expectations and harsh punishments. “As long as the expectations are met, I can get approval, affection. Or I won’t be punished. It doesn’t matter what I feel!”

Its Warning Signs

Ψ      Purpose and self-image is tied to relationships with others

Ψ      Self-expression is difficult – needs, opinions, emotions

Ψ      Fear of separation, or abandonment

Ψ      Others’ opinions or approval is a need, not a “good to
have”

Ψ      “Their needs are more important, mine aren’t”

Ψ      “I’m doing all this to take care of them, to rescue them”
(cue need to control)  

The Battle Shields Against Codependency

Ψ      Knowledge: Ignorance is not bliss – recognising the signs and identifying it bears the foundation for everything else.

Ψ      Check: Thoughts, feelings, behaviours about yourself, and your relationship with others – have we lost ourselves in the process of giving away too much?

Ψ      Craft the blueprint: Think - how do we support others without losing ourselves? How much can we give without losing everything? What can we protect or enhance? Negotiate, but clarify what our loved ones need as well – it’s collaborative.

Ψ      Build the shield: It’s not going to be perfect and full-proof, and the first few times will always be rusty. But over time, we upgrade or learn how to do it better. Find what works for us, practice, fail, and learn again!

Humans are interdependent creatures. We can’t survive alone, but we don’t have to live for others as well. We each have our own needs and wants. Although interdependency is like a scale that can never be fully balanced or level, at the very least, it’s not all the rocks on one side.

How do I Find Meaning in My Life?

What did I eat yesterday? Do I need to do laundry today? When was the last time I had a good laugh?  

As the days blur together, do you start questioning what’s the point of, well, anything? Maybe it’s not about routines and monotony. Does getting out of bed seem a little harder every day? Does it feel like you’re no longer living, just trying to survive?   

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This question about how to pursue meaning or fulfilment in life can be traced back thousands of years to ancient scriptures and philosophers. After years of scholarly attempts to understand how it is experienced, it seems that we’re starting to gain some insight into this abstract concept of meaning. Before we dive in… 

Reminder: There’s No One-Size-Fits-All Solution

First, there can be many ways to create more meaning in your life. The combination, or number, of ways, is unique to you; no one can (or should) say you’re doing it wrong! 

Next, the 3 established facets of meaning lie in feeling a sense of purpose, existential mattering (“my existence matters”) and comprehension of the world around you.  

1. A Sense of Purpose 

Ever heard of the phrase, “walk with purpose”? Like a compass in life, a sense of purpose guides your actions and decisions based on treasured goals or values. If it is difficult to think about the values you hold at heart, a good start is to think about how you wish to be remembered by your loved ones.  

An example could be, “I hope they remember me as someone who was diligent and driven in their career, but also reliable and responsible.” This answer shows a desire to be resilient and motivated in your occupation while being seen as someone others can trust and count on, taking ownership of your work, actions, or decisions.   

2. Mattering, in the existential sense 

It might seem narcissistic to think you “matter”, or that your actions in life make an impact on the world. Plus, how would you even measure it? Instead, the idea is to focus on how you contribute to others’ lives, whether big or small. Some also seek to leave a legacy for future generations.  

Again, this can be subjective, but the assessment of how you contribute to others need not be objectively accurate. Rather, you should truly believe that you contribute, or do your best to, in others’ lives.  

3. Comprehension about the world 

This one can be hard to grasp. We’re not asking you to make sense of how the world works completely because honestly, no one can. Some events are also very hard to make sense of and trying to may do more harm than good. 

The idea is more about feeling a sense of understanding of how your life seems to fit into a whole. How the people, ideas, objects, and events connect; how they form a larger picture and craft a story; how they played a role in shaping the person that you are today and the values you care for. 

6 Ways of Finding Meaning  

Remember that everyone finds meaning in different aspects of life with different ways. Find the combination or method that works for you! 

6 Ways of Finding of Meaning
#1 A Positive Affect	While unhappy, people can experience meaning in life. But people who are generally happier tend to experience more meaning.  If you’re struggling to find meaning from other sources, you could try mood-lifting activities, and think about how they help you comprehend the world and yourself better.
#2 Social Connections	Finding meaning in social connections happens through feeling a sense of belonging, interdependency, or beneficence (that they benefit another’s life).  This could be done by forging closer relations with loved ones, joining shared interest groups, or serving your community.
#3 Worldviews (Spiritual, or not)	Spiritual and religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are belief structures that help you comprehend how the world works, basically like knowing the “grand scheme of things”. Typically, religious faith and the concept of a divine plan lead back to each facet of meaning.  For nonbelievers, find meaning in areas of science, nature, meditation, politics, or awe-evoking experiences. Worldviews can be shaped by beliefs in these areas, promoting a sense of purpose or comprehension of the world.
#4 Connecting to  the Self	A coherent life story weaves different elements of life together, helping someone to feel some sense of self. On one level, there is an understanding of how countless experiences have shaped you into who you are. On another level, it involves “true-to-self” action.  Authenticity can be seen with consistency in personality traits or values across time, or understanding the motivations behind inconsistent behaviours or changes in values. For example, understanding that a change in behaviour may arise from adapting to major life events.
#5 Visualisation	The visualization of nostalgic memories, imagining a future meaningful event, and even how well you visualize can be linked to finding that sense of meaning in life.  Detailed mental imagery of nostalgic memories and familiar places can build that foundation for understanding how things in your life link together across time.
#6 Accepting Mortality	No surprise, many would think this source of meaning is paradoxical. The idea that human lives end inevitably would make any pursuit for meaning in life, meaningless.  However, there are some variables which can overpower the crippling effect of mortality and push us on a meaningful pursuit. These include having stable worldviews, routines, perceived progress towards long-term goals, gratitude, and social connection (seem familiar?).

While it doesn’t mean that all our questions about life are left answered, we’re at least in a good place where we’re beginning to unravel some components and actionable steps to build lives that hold more meaning for us. This journey is different for everyone, so don’t feel discouraged if you have yet to find your sources of meaning. Everyone has their own story, journey, and pace in life.  

Can ChatGPT Replace a Psychologist?

ChatGPT is all the buzz lately – an artificial intelligence (AI) chatbot that can help with everything from programming to writing essays (*cough*) and even song lyrics (Jay Chou fans, this song is definitely worth a listen).

With its sophisticated responses and continual technological advancement, ChatGPT 4 has surpassed many previous versions of AI chatbots, raising the question of whether it could one day replace human experts.  

It's tempting to take the easy way out and simply say that ChatGPT can never replace human experts – something that ChatGPT seems to agree with. But as any trained psychologist will tell you, the answer isn't always so simple.

It all depends on your unique needs and circumstances. There are many factors that come into play when deciding whether a chatbot is sufficient. So, before you make a decision, consider the pros and cons and evaluate what's best for you. 

This article isn't going to cover everything, but we're going to highlight some key circumstances where an AI chatbot might be a viable option for your mental health difficulties.  

Ψ You are not yet ready to seek in-person psychological services. 

ChatGPT can serve as an easy introduction to seeking a psychological service. You can use it as your first line of defense, to learn about your symptoms or practice coping strategies. You could say anything you would like to ChatGPT without fear of judgment or reproach. It acts as a safe (virtual) space. 

Ψ You want quick access to information and you don’t know where to look. 

ChatGPT is a convenient way to quickly obtain information about a mental health disorder or symptom. It is also an easy way to read up about the types of psychological therapeutic modalities such as CBT, DBT, Schema, or ACT.  

A basic description of each modality usually accompanies the write up, and you can ask ChatGPT for exercises or examples of how to incorporate an exercise in your daily life. 

Here is one useful description: 

"CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on changing negative patterns of thinking and behavior to improve mental health and well-being. CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected, and that negative thoughts can contribute to negative emotions and behaviors.” 

If these strategies prove insufficient, you may then be more inclined to consider seeking help from a psychologist.

Ψ You cannot access psychological services. 

If you're struggling to access psychological services in your community, ChatGPT may be a platform you have to consider. For example, if you live in an area with limited psychological services, or if you have financial difficulties.

ChatGPT is affordable, convenient, stigma-free, and can be accessed anytime, anywhere, but it is essential to remember that ChatGPT is not a trained psychologist or counsellor and cannot replace one. 

Remember that there are many free and low-cost public and community resources available in Singapore. Here are some examples:  

• Community Psychology Hub

• Changi General Hospital

• Family Service Centres 

• Shan You Counselling

• Singapore Association for Mental Health

Yet… There are several circumstances when it is highly recommended you speak to a psychologist or any mental health professional instead of an AI chatbot. 

Ψ You have, or are experiencing, severe or complex mental health struggles. 

If you are experiencing a severe mental health crisis that poses a risk of harm to yourself or others, please seek immediate attention and intervention from a qualified professional.  

While ChatGPT can be a helpful resource for understanding symptoms of mental health concerns, it is not designed or equipped to handle such emergencies.  

On the other hand, mental health professionals go through years of rigorous training and supervision to be able to appropriately handle such situations. 

Ψ You find ChatGPT’s resources ineffective or insufficient. 

Complex or severe mental health conditions typically result in a significant impairment in the ability to function in daily life. Things like concentrating, being productive, socialising, can seem difficult. 

Comprehensive and often intensive therapeutic approaches may be required to effectively improve functioning. ChatGPT would not have the ability to provide such in-depth intervention. This is when connecting with a qualified mental health professional can provide you the necessary care and support.

Ψ You find ChatGPT impersonal. 

The resources offered by ChatGPT are likely to be broad-based and will not provide the level of depth and personalization that you might need to effectively implement strategies in your life. You may need more specific guidance and details that it cannot provide.  

Moreover, ChatGPT's understanding of the human condition, including context, morals, and spirituality, is limited to available data and research, which means it might not fully comprehend the unique needs and circumstances of each individual user.  

In contrast, a psychologist has focused training and understanding of how social and cultural values differ per person; how responsibilities can influence intervention strategies; how some individuals lack a supportive home environment to foster good mental health. A psychologist takes these diverse factors into account and designs a personalized therapy plan that caters to the individual's needs.

AI and language processing models are rapidly advancing, creating the potential for chatbots to "replace" or supplement certain microinterventions that do not require a lot of therapist contact or empathizing. While this is subject to legal, data, and privacy concerns, ChatGPT can be a useful resource for microinterventions such as goal-setting, progress tracking, and psychoeducation.

However, chatbots still struggle with understanding context, family background, trauma, biopsychosocial factors, and individual differences - essential factors that psychologists study for years to holistically assess mental health struggles from different perspectives. 

All in all, chatbots lack the human connection and understanding that many users desire. However, they present unique benefits in mental health education that should not be dismissed. Combining chatbots with traditional modalities can result in effective intervention. While clinical research is ongoing in adapting psychotherapy techniques into different modalities, psychologists have already started using digital platforms for psychotherapy. As technology continues to evolve, it will be fascinating to observe how chatbots can be further integrated into mental health care. 

How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Colleagues

Picture this scenario: Jenny is a customer service executive at a logistics firm. Recently, a new employee, Sam, was hired and Jenny is tasked with helping to train Sam. Rather than acting as a mentor to Sam, Jenny instead constantly ignores Sam’s emails, gives him the silent treatment, jokes about him behind his back, and refuses to train him to the best of her ability. Whenever Sam suggests a potential improvement to the workflow, she quickly rejects his viewpoints and gives off an air of superiority. 

These behaviors exhibited by Jenny are considered passive-aggressive ones. But what exactly is passive aggressiveness? 

Passive aggressiveness occurs when a person harbors negative feelings towards an individual and expresses those feelings in an indirectly harmful manner.

A person may feel negative feelings like anger or jealousy, but instead of communicating honestly, they mask their emotions through indirect hostility.

These are some examples of displays of passive aggressiveness at the workplace: 

• The silent treatment 

• Chronically procrastinating on tasks 

• Intentionally neglecting their share of the workload or shirking responsibilities as a form of “retaliation” 

• Withholding information 

• Disguised insults and non-compliments 

• Downplaying or ignoring other people’s achievements 

• Sarcasm 

• Spreading rumors 

• Being silent, sulky, sullen and resentful to get attention or sympathy 

Passive aggressive behaviors are usually not immediately recognizable as “aggression”. After all, it is easier to notice aggression when people lash out at you. However, in the workplace, such behaviors create a toxic workplace environment, which comes along with a host of negative consequences such as burnout and lowered morale. Considering all these negative consequences, it is therefore important for passive aggressiveness to be carefully and effectively dealt with.

How should I respond to a passive aggressive colleague?

Responding to a passive aggressive colleague is tough and a great deal of patience is usually needed. This often comes with a hefty amount of stress and anxiety on your end too. However, equipping yourself with these skills goes a long way in making you a more confident and effective person!

Ψ Remove the reward

With many kinds of behaviors, a person will be more likely to engage in an action again if it is met with reinforcement. In the context of workplace passive aggressiveness, if you respond to a colleague’s behavior by going tit for tat, your response may actually end up reinforcing that colleague’s behavior such that it becomes even more likely for them to engage in passive aggressive behaviors again.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to respond to provocations by similarly being sarcastic or saying “it’s fine” when it actually is not. However, doing so is unlikely to get you anywhere and may even further escalate the conflict by perpetuating the person’s bad behavior. Instead, try to focus on keeping cool so you will remain composed and not act impulsively. The best way to achieve this is by giving the person objective, emotionally neutral responses whenever appropriate. For example, instead of using “you”, use first-person pronouns such as “I”, “we”, and “our”.

Ψ Ensure that expectations and deadlines are clearly and explicitly set at the start of any task or project

This is a good habit to carry out regardless of whether you have a passive-aggressive colleague or not. After all, communication is key! Ensure that you communicate diligently and set crystal clear expectations on the scope, expectations, and deadlines of any given project. To do this, confirm any discussions that you have about deadlines and actions in writing, send follow-up emails after meetings, or draft a performance agreement.

When this occurs, reasons such as “I did not know” become less plausible and it increases behavioral accountability. By ensuring that all communication is clear and understood by everyone, a passive-aggressive colleague will have to take responsibility for their own actions and have fewer opportunities to blame others for their mistakes.

Ψ Try to adopt an empathetic approach and understand the reasons behind their actions  

Why is your colleague acting this way? Do they derive happiness from making others feel manipulated? It might be easy to simply write off their behaviors as being due to a nasty personality or intentionally being difficult. However, studies have found that passive aggressive behavior is often driven by deep seated fears of being rejected, a lack of self-esteem, as well as insecurity or as a maladaptive way of handling conflicts. When we take on an empathetic approach, this enables us to better understand why people act the way that they do, and to select a more appropriate means of responding.

Ψ Create a Safe Environment

Finally, foster an environment where your colleagues know that it is safe for them to raise concerns and issues with you in an open, direct, and constructive manner, rather than in covert ways. Let your colleagues know that they can always approach you if they are facing any problems rather than letting them bubble beneath the surface. 

Of course, you will have to walk the talk too! You can create an encouraging and supportive workplace culture by fostering genuine, positive relationships with your colleagues.

Should you have any concerns about the well-being of your work team or wish to further support your employees, our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) aims to help employees in Singapore, from staff to managers, manage work- and personal-related issues that may otherwise result in a negative impact on their emotional well-being and job performance.