Needs vs Expectations
What are Needs?
As the word suggests, Needs are not merely desirable to have, but are absolutely necessary for our well-being and growth. Despite their importance, they remain an elusive concept that is difficult to define.
When is a need a Need, or merely a Want?
Though much ink has been spilt over its definition and which model of needs truly describe the human condition, no explanation is perhaps more ubiquitous than Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow’s model describes the five fundamental of needs arranged in a hierarchy. The hierarchy ranks the needs in levels of priority in the following order of importance: Physiological, Safety, Love and Belonging, Esteem, and Self-actualisation. Each level is predicated upon the previous level (i.e. each level is built upon the previous one). You can read more about what each level means here. (If you want to explore an alternative model, see the McClelland’s Three Needs Theory)
No matter which model or theory you prefer, Needs play a central role in our daily lives by giving us purpose and directing our behaviours towards a goal.
For example, at Annabelle Psychology (and we suspect many of you as well), food remains an imperative need. Food literally drives our daily behaviour.
But of course, beyond physiological needs, we also have other needs. Psychological needs such as the desire to form good interpersonal relationships, or to achieve a certain standing or status in society, also influence our behaviour. Together, our collection of needs reflects our basic physical needs (e.g., sustenance and shelter) and the higher values that speak to our very being, such as self-actualisation—the realisation of one’s full potential.
The effects of an unmet need can range from the debilitating to the downright devastating. For example, something seemingly trivial such as social rejection has the potential to impair intellectual performance or even lead to poor impulse control.
Great Expectations (also known as Wants)
“Human wants are unlimited”
— Alfred Marshall
Expectations are standards we uphold for ourselves or others, or other aspects of life like work, or of the future. These may or may not be realistic.
It is often our wants or expectations, especially the unrealistic or uncommunicated ones, that leave us feeling unfulfilled or dissatisfied with life.
Our expectations, and the effect that these will have on others, affect how we interact with others, and how others react to us.
“How?”, you may ask?
For starters, it is possible that we do not even realise that we have these expectations or wants to begin with, or how strongly we actually feel about a particular want. That is, of course, until we eventually find ourselves feeling frustrated and upset over an unmet want.
Even when we are aware of our expectations, we may choose to conceal them out of fear that we will be rejected or let down by others. However, those around you may eventually come to know of your expectations - whether through purposeful or inadvertent verbal or non-verbal cues, and respond accordingly. Depending on the response, we may find ourselves steeped in sadness or disappointment.
Furthermore, we may become overly attached to desired outcomes, even if they are unrealistic. In such cases, our expectations, or standards, that we impose on others to achieve those outcomes may launch us into a vicious (and difficult to break out of) cycle of disappointment and resentment that sours relationships.
If we can calibrate our expectations and wants to only realistic and unhelpful ones, and communicate these in an effective but honest manner, we can save ourselves a lot of stress and eliminate a major obstacle in the way of prioritising our fundamental needs.
At the end of the day, we must strive to be completely honest with ourselves in distinguishing between our wants and needs.
Three Golden Rules that may be helpful when attempting to distinguish between Needs and Wants:
Why do I “need” this?
Can I afford it? (whether in terms of money, commitment, or energy)
If I did not see this, would I still “want” it? (will I be okay without it)