A Mother’s Day Ordeal: Not Every Child Celebrates Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a day of celebration and joy for families as we cherish the many gifts of mothers around the world.

Yet, that might not be the case for everyone. In a healthy mother and child relationship, the bond between mother and child is usually a close and endearing one. For others however, Mother’s Day might be a painful one. For children who might suffer from ongoing emotional, physical and psychological abuse due to the absence of or abuse from their mother, or adults who were abused as children, Mother’s Day might be a stark reminder of that toxic relationship and trigger traumtic memories.

The scars left behind in children who experienced trauma as a result of their mother make it difficult for them to celebrate Mother’s Day. Trauma is directly attributed to any type of abuse a mother subjected her child to. Abuse may take many forms (spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual), and can be ongoing throughout childhood and into adulthood. In many cases, the source of the abuse may be an unaddressed mental illness or a personality disorder. Ultimately, an abusive upbringing damages the relationship between the child and the parent. Moreover, all types of abuse are damaging to children and can cause long-term difficulties with their behaviour and mental health.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, let’s remember the children whose mothers do not fulfil the ideal role of motherhood. Let’s extend our love and respect to all those battling with such issues today.

For those struggling with Mother’s Day, here are some tips you can follow to make getting through Mother’s Day a bit easier.

Tips for navigating Mother’s Day

Be honest about how you feel  
Acknowledge how you actually feel about this day instead of what you think you should feel. It is easy to skip over your true feelings when confronted with idealistic Mother’s Day messages and people telling you how you should feel about your mom. Even though it’s hard, being honest with yourself about your feelings — without judgment — is an important step in navigating difficult emotions surrounding family-centric holidays.

Take a break from social media on Mother’s Day
Try and take a couple of days of social media to focus and take care of yourself. Being away from social media helps you take your mind off the bombardment of Mother’s Day messages.

Celebrate the positive female role models in your life
Pay tribute to another female in your life instead – a sister, grandmother, female friend, teacher, aunt. Take this opportunity to let this woman know how much her presence has meant to you. You could also turn Mother’s Day into your own personal celebration of strong and powerful women everywhere. Your self-defined version of Mother's Day is definitely worthy of celebration.

Create a plan to take care of yourself
Get out of the house and do something fun to take your mind off things – go for a run, buy yourself some ice cream. You may have a mother-sized hole in your heart, but you can take time today to think about how you can take better care of yourself. Make a commitment to treat yourself with respect, love, encouragement and gentleness.

Spend time with supportive friends on that day
Reach out to a friend who is always willing to lend a judgment-free ear whenever you need emotional support or some companionship.

Coping With Mother’s Day When Your Mother is Gone

On Mother’s Day, we often honour and celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us, nurtured us, and loved us. However, there is also a significant group of people who won’t get to hug, call, or celebrate this special day with their mother. These individuals often nurse fond memories of what their mother was like before she passed away or find themselves daydreaming about how things might be different if their mothers were still alive. This leads to the experience of a sense of bittersweetness whenever Mother’s Day rolls around.

Losing one’s mother is certainly a painful ordeal, regardless of factors such as how old you were when it happened and how much time has passed. Such feelings are often heightened around significant events such as birthdays, holidays, and Mother’s Day, especially when social media is flooded with photos of celebrations revolving around mothers.

We see you and we see what you may be going through as you navigate this difficult day. For those who are struggling, here are some (more) tips to make it through Mother’s Day.

(More) tips for navigating Mother’s Day

Acknowledge your feelings – they are normal
Especially on Mother’s Day, feelings of sadness, anger, or even envy can be very common. It can be tempting to simply label these feelings as “bad” and run away or push them aside. However, know that these feelings are normal, and attempting to suppress them will lead to them eventually bubbling over. Instead, allow yourself to feel and experience those unpleasant emotions. Let them come and go like waves without struggling with them or giving them too much attention and know that in time, the waves will eventually recede.

Practice self-compassion
Take some time to think about how you can better care of yourself, and commit to treating yourself with respect, gentleness, and love. Be kind, and don’t place yourself under an immense pressure to be OK all the time. You get to decide how you want to spend the day. Make a plan to engage in some activities that bring you joy – go for a walk in the park, cook your favourite dishes, buy some ice cream, or even watch your favourite comfort movies. As long as it brings you some comfort, that’s reason enough to do it.

Write it out
Journaling is a great way of working through and disentangling complicated thoughts and feelings by putting them into words. Alternatively, you could consider writing a letter to your mother and telling her about your thoughts and experiences. While this may feel strange, bereavement studies have found that this helps to validate your emotions and may help you feel closer to your mother. 

Share stories and memories about her
You may have some stories, memories, or old photos of your mother. If you are feeling up to it, you might find it cathartic to share these tidbits with a close friend or family member, especially those who knew her as well. Sometimes, grief can make us feel alone. As such, sharing your stories and talking to others can help to celebrate the memory of your mother and bring everyone closer.

Get support
Know that you are not alone and that it is perfectly fine to ask for help and support in whatever form you find most helpful. Consider reaching out to a support group with others who have gone through similar experiences or speak to trusted family members or friends who can provide you with comfort, support, and a non-judgmental listening ear.